No Apologies

I'm sorry i'm not accepting any more fake apologies
I'm sorry i'm not accepting things to go the same way they usually do
I'm sorry i'm not going to let how i feel be put on the shelf
And i'm DEFINITELY sorry i won't let your delusions turn it around

If you're sorry then act like it. And by acting like it i don't mean bitch about it and how the situation you created (hence your apology) is fucking up your life more than it's fucked. I'm sorry but if everything should be ignored because someone's life is fucked then both of us should have ignored each others' existence since a long time ago.

Any replies to this message are going to be ignored

Thank you

A Little Story

A lonely girl was rejected by the whole world around her. She needed friends, she needed love, she needed care. And above all that, she needed something or someone to care about that would just care back.
She was sitting alone in a park looking at all the people around her. Friends playing, lovers holding each other close ... when suddenly she felt a little thing rubbing against her side. It was a little black cat. She cuddled the cat a little and the cat would purr and rub itself against her more. And for the first time in ages she felt like she had a companion she could share her affection with.
Days passed with the cat becoming her sole center of attention. Everyday she'd wake up in the morning, feed and cuddle the cat, tell her how much she loved her, and help make the cat feel great.
one day she noticed. The cat doesn't come to rub itself against her any more. so she decided to just ignore it and see... nothing... and she went back to square one!




Sometimes we just overdo the care that whomever gets it takes it for granted and forgets to care back and that they care too!

To New Beginnings

Apparently the worst thing about new beginnings is having to make it new, fresh, or whatever it is the word that describes it ... mel a7'er, you have to really wipe that fucking slate clean. So eventually as i'm seeing the exact thing that's gonna make it go down the drain starting to reappear i shouldn't really react as i'm supposedly giving the benefit of the doubt that things have changed and blablabla... in fact i shouldn't even be noticing anything ...
i need to find a smarter way to avoid this...

rabbena yostor

So the part period i've been living the life of a machine. Working day and night and not getting any rest. It kinda feels good to be able to just pass out once you lay your head down... No thinking, no memories, no mind games, just switch OFF! or it actually WAS nice... Cause it's just stopped working. The stupid mind started working overtime. And it's fucking me up bigtime.
I admit i'm lonely, and it's the worst kind of loneliness ever. The kind that you just can't find a solution for, not a solution you like or are willing to take anyways. I guess i'm just used to the illusion of having someone in my life. The fake sense of the fake possibility of being taken care of emotionally. And now it's not there anymore. And even if it were i don't want it to be fake anymore. I don't wanna give endlessly and be taken for granted anymore. I wanna be on the receiving end for a change. I'm sick of loving unconditionally and wanna be loved and cared for unconditionally no matter how i act or what i do.
I'm seriously feeling angry at myself for wasting so much time of my life being taken for granted, being your whore. Simply because it's not really fulfilling ... I mean look at how empty i feel now ... So empty i doubt anything would be enough.
I need some serious pampering
Over'n'out

NO!

NO i don't think i'm quite over you
NO i don't think i wanna be with you either
NO i don't think that even if i did it would've worked
NOr will it work either
NO i still can't control how bitter i feel when i'm around you
NO i can't seem to get over all the shit you did to me
NO i can't seem to accept the fact that you have to be in my face most of the time
NO i dunno why i find myself making it happen
NO i can't be mean either because it's not like me to be that way towards anyone
NO at the same time i can't say that i hate you
NO i can't say anything except that i just can't forgive you
NO i don't like it to find a precious track of mine on your playlist because the lyrics don't make sense coming out of you
NO i don't even listen to Stockholm Syndrome anymore because of you
NO and despite how much we still deal, i can't really think highly of you
NO i don't trust you
NO i don't want you around me for the time being
NO i don't wanna ever start a conversation with you
NO i don't appreciate feeling used every time we deal
NO i'm not your or anybody else's whore
NO it's not gonna be okay
NOt while you're there
NO i can't force it to be otherwise because then i'd lost all my friends
NO i don't wanna lose them because of you cause
NO you're not really worth that much ...
NO i'm not breaking down despite how this might seam because i'm improving and getting better every day
NO i won't budge
NO it wouldn't take anything less than a miracle to change my mind
NO you're not capable of it
NOr will you ever be
NO you will never change
NOr do i think i want you to
...
...
...
NO i'm not there yet
NOt quite yet


....
....
....

NO!

Something about now makes me feel like i'm back in highschool all over again. I remember dying for the day when it was gonna be over. I remember that I was dying for college where people would be more mature, where matters would be more serious, where i could feel like i'm in the middle of grown ups. The stupid me didn't figure out that everyone i'm with was gonna probably come with me.
Something had given me the belief or hope that people would be more real, and to a certain extent they were. But now i'm starting to doubt it. I do admit that they are still much better than the way things used to be back in school but still, things are sort of taking the same pattern ... once a cooler surrounding, even if temporary, is available, the real things that are not as cool are just ditched...

So i'm back with the same highschool rants, i'm sick of always being the one who calls, i'm sick of not being sought except when needed for favors or services... i'm sick of showing care for people and being taken for granted....

shit i'll stop writing this right now ... maybe i DO need to fucking grow up

Status Update

I feel lonely as hell again ... even when surrounded by a kazillion people. I guess a part of me feeds on emotional involvement with someone, yet i'm too tired to try. In fact, i don't think one should try in the first place