Apparently the worst thing about new beginnings is having to make it new, fresh, or whatever it is the word that describes it ... mel a7'er, you have to really wipe that fucking slate clean. So eventually as i'm seeing the exact thing that's gonna make it go down the drain starting to reappear i shouldn't really react as i'm supposedly giving the benefit of the doubt that things have changed and blablabla... in fact i shouldn't even be noticing anything ...
i need to find a smarter way to avoid this...
rabbena yostor
Saturday, 1 November 2008
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
So the part period i've been living the life of a machine. Working day and night and not getting any rest. It kinda feels good to be able to just pass out once you lay your head down... No thinking, no memories, no mind games, just switch OFF! or it actually WAS nice... Cause it's just stopped working. The stupid mind started working overtime. And it's fucking me up bigtime.
I admit i'm lonely, and it's the worst kind of loneliness ever. The kind that you just can't find a solution for, not a solution you like or are willing to take anyways. I guess i'm just used to the illusion of having someone in my life. The fake sense of the fake possibility of being taken care of emotionally. And now it's not there anymore. And even if it were i don't want it to be fake anymore. I don't wanna give endlessly and be taken for granted anymore. I wanna be on the receiving end for a change. I'm sick of loving unconditionally and wanna be loved and cared for unconditionally no matter how i act or what i do.
I'm seriously feeling angry at myself for wasting so much time of my life being taken for granted, being your whore. Simply because it's not really fulfilling ... I mean look at how empty i feel now ... So empty i doubt anything would be enough.
I need some serious pampering
Over'n'out
I admit i'm lonely, and it's the worst kind of loneliness ever. The kind that you just can't find a solution for, not a solution you like or are willing to take anyways. I guess i'm just used to the illusion of having someone in my life. The fake sense of the fake possibility of being taken care of emotionally. And now it's not there anymore. And even if it were i don't want it to be fake anymore. I don't wanna give endlessly and be taken for granted anymore. I wanna be on the receiving end for a change. I'm sick of loving unconditionally and wanna be loved and cared for unconditionally no matter how i act or what i do.
I'm seriously feeling angry at myself for wasting so much time of my life being taken for granted, being your whore. Simply because it's not really fulfilling ... I mean look at how empty i feel now ... So empty i doubt anything would be enough.
I need some serious pampering
Over'n'out
Friday, 29 August 2008
NO!
NO i don't think i'm quite over you
NO i don't think i wanna be with you either
NO i don't think that even if i did it would've worked
NOr will it work either
NO i still can't control how bitter i feel when i'm around you
NO i can't seem to get over all the shit you did to me
NO i can't seem to accept the fact that you have to be in my face most of the time
NO i dunno why i find myself making it happen
NO i can't be mean either because it's not like me to be that way towards anyone
NO at the same time i can't say that i hate you
NO i can't say anything except that i just can't forgive you
NO i don't like it to find a precious track of mine on your playlist because the lyrics don't make sense coming out of you
NO i don't even listen to Stockholm Syndrome anymore because of you
NO and despite how much we still deal, i can't really think highly of you
NO i don't trust you
NO i don't want you around me for the time being
NO i don't wanna ever start a conversation with you
NO i don't appreciate feeling used every time we deal
NO i'm not your or anybody else's whore
NO it's not gonna be okay
NOt while you're there
NO i can't force it to be otherwise because then i'd lost all my friends
NO i don't wanna lose them because of you cause
NO you're not really worth that much ...
NO i'm not breaking down despite how this might seam because i'm improving and getting better every day
NO i won't budge
NO it wouldn't take anything less than a miracle to change my mind
NO you're not capable of it
NOr will you ever be
NO you will never change
NOr do i think i want you to
...
...
...
NO i'm not there yet
NOt quite yet
....
....
....
NO!
NO i don't think i wanna be with you either
NO i don't think that even if i did it would've worked
NOr will it work either
NO i still can't control how bitter i feel when i'm around you
NO i can't seem to get over all the shit you did to me
NO i can't seem to accept the fact that you have to be in my face most of the time
NO i dunno why i find myself making it happen
NO i can't be mean either because it's not like me to be that way towards anyone
NO at the same time i can't say that i hate you
NO i can't say anything except that i just can't forgive you
NO i don't like it to find a precious track of mine on your playlist because the lyrics don't make sense coming out of you
NO i don't even listen to Stockholm Syndrome anymore because of you
NO and despite how much we still deal, i can't really think highly of you
NO i don't trust you
NO i don't want you around me for the time being
NO i don't wanna ever start a conversation with you
NO i don't appreciate feeling used every time we deal
NO i'm not your or anybody else's whore
NO it's not gonna be okay
NOt while you're there
NO i can't force it to be otherwise because then i'd lost all my friends
NO i don't wanna lose them because of you cause
NO you're not really worth that much ...
NO i'm not breaking down despite how this might seam because i'm improving and getting better every day
NO i won't budge
NO it wouldn't take anything less than a miracle to change my mind
NO you're not capable of it
NOr will you ever be
NO you will never change
NOr do i think i want you to
...
...
...
NO i'm not there yet
NOt quite yet
....
....
....
NO!
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Something about now makes me feel like i'm back in highschool all over again. I remember dying for the day when it was gonna be over. I remember that I was dying for college where people would be more mature, where matters would be more serious, where i could feel like i'm in the middle of grown ups. The stupid me didn't figure out that everyone i'm with was gonna probably come with me.
Something had given me the belief or hope that people would be more real, and to a certain extent they were. But now i'm starting to doubt it. I do admit that they are still much better than the way things used to be back in school but still, things are sort of taking the same pattern ... once a cooler surrounding, even if temporary, is available, the real things that are not as cool are just ditched...
So i'm back with the same highschool rants, i'm sick of always being the one who calls, i'm sick of not being sought except when needed for favors or services... i'm sick of showing care for people and being taken for granted....
shit i'll stop writing this right now ... maybe i DO need to fucking grow up
Something had given me the belief or hope that people would be more real, and to a certain extent they were. But now i'm starting to doubt it. I do admit that they are still much better than the way things used to be back in school but still, things are sort of taking the same pattern ... once a cooler surrounding, even if temporary, is available, the real things that are not as cool are just ditched...
So i'm back with the same highschool rants, i'm sick of always being the one who calls, i'm sick of not being sought except when needed for favors or services... i'm sick of showing care for people and being taken for granted....
shit i'll stop writing this right now ... maybe i DO need to fucking grow up
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Status Update
I feel lonely as hell again ... even when surrounded by a kazillion people. I guess a part of me feeds on emotional involvement with someone, yet i'm too tired to try. In fact, i don't think one should try in the first place
Friday, 15 August 2008
Forgiveness??
Most of us have been hurt bad by people. Whether those people are people we loved, still love, friends, best friends, or just the bully kid that used to torture us in high school. Then time passes while you're away from those people and we feel we're ok again. We meet those people again and suddenly it's not despite we bring ok about it just a few minutes earlier.
You'd definitely sense it in case you ever have to extensively deal with an ex. But it makes me wonder: what's the difference between forgiving and letting go? can you be ok with something that hurt you without forgetting it? better yet, can you be ok with the person who did it? but if it's big then it probably cannot be erased from your memory, does that mean you can never deal with that person again?
if it's so, then why the hell can't i stop it? in my case, i can't forget or stop feeling bad about anything she's done to me, yes we broke up, but still, we deal as friends and all that but something about this dealing just feels ... erm ... weird! I can't say i don't have feelings for the person, yet i can't say that i feel that ok about her either. It's a really weird love/hate mixture, and i really don't know where the hell am i going with this...
anyways... over'n'out
You'd definitely sense it in case you ever have to extensively deal with an ex. But it makes me wonder: what's the difference between forgiving and letting go? can you be ok with something that hurt you without forgetting it? better yet, can you be ok with the person who did it? but if it's big then it probably cannot be erased from your memory, does that mean you can never deal with that person again?
if it's so, then why the hell can't i stop it? in my case, i can't forget or stop feeling bad about anything she's done to me, yes we broke up, but still, we deal as friends and all that but something about this dealing just feels ... erm ... weird! I can't say i don't have feelings for the person, yet i can't say that i feel that ok about her either. It's a really weird love/hate mixture, and i really don't know where the hell am i going with this...
anyways... over'n'out
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Dear ...
Dear A,
Everything related to you causes some bitterness i can't explain. Or maybe i can but i don't wanna admit it out loud. I try and I try but it all ends the same. Things tend to take a certain pattern with you that i don't understand, and each time i did i didn't like it. I hope i'm being oversensitive and wrong... I really do because the last thing i ever want is to know (although now it won't be of any effect) that i'm put in a frame where i don't belong again, that i'm taken for granted, or not given my full deserved statement of purpose.
Dear S,
I can't stand the ickiness that follows dealing with you any more. I tried to normalize things but you're just acting too obsessed and push things back to a certain perspective and blame me for it! It's funny how you always tend to apologize a little bit too late. I need a break ... a really good one.
Dear M,
Why is it that i can never restrain myself when u're there? why does everything have to both make sense and not make sense at the same time with you. All i know is this needs to stop. I hope it does when u're back.
Signed,
Emenetsh
Everything related to you causes some bitterness i can't explain. Or maybe i can but i don't wanna admit it out loud. I try and I try but it all ends the same. Things tend to take a certain pattern with you that i don't understand, and each time i did i didn't like it. I hope i'm being oversensitive and wrong... I really do because the last thing i ever want is to know (although now it won't be of any effect) that i'm put in a frame where i don't belong again, that i'm taken for granted, or not given my full deserved statement of purpose.
Dear S,
I can't stand the ickiness that follows dealing with you any more. I tried to normalize things but you're just acting too obsessed and push things back to a certain perspective and blame me for it! It's funny how you always tend to apologize a little bit too late. I need a break ... a really good one.
Dear M,
Why is it that i can never restrain myself when u're there? why does everything have to both make sense and not make sense at the same time with you. All i know is this needs to stop. I hope it does when u're back.
Signed,
Emenetsh
Friday, 8 August 2008
Words
Words can either make or break you ... words can also be deceiving ... and it sucks if you can never really manipulate them well to your advantage, and i don't mean to lie or fool anyone, i mean to just simply let it out ... say what you mean.
one of my fav bloggers once wrote a post about how much she pities people who can't really express themselves ... and it stuck in my head ever since, cause i simply consider myself one of them.
i'm one complex person with lots of nonsense in his head ... and consequently on his blog ... i'm constantly doing things i can't reason ... which makes me constantly question myself, who i am, and what i really feel or believe in ... i live on the hope that one day i'll figure myself out and then everything will start to make sense... i just hope that comes soon...
over'n'out
one of my fav bloggers once wrote a post about how much she pities people who can't really express themselves ... and it stuck in my head ever since, cause i simply consider myself one of them.
i'm one complex person with lots of nonsense in his head ... and consequently on his blog ... i'm constantly doing things i can't reason ... which makes me constantly question myself, who i am, and what i really feel or believe in ... i live on the hope that one day i'll figure myself out and then everything will start to make sense... i just hope that comes soon...
over'n'out
Monday, 4 August 2008
Lasso-Phobia
first admission: I hate being lonely ... i hate feeling alone ... and at the same time i can't be bound by anyone. I can't stand staying in and talking to noone ... yet at the same time, can't stand it when my phone rings too much, someone is around too much ... i always fear being tied up, finding myself involved in something with this somebody ... call it the most trivial of relationships even ... but i haven't always been like that ... and i turned into that person the hard way.
In a nuthsell, i have loved and lost ... not the person going away, but instead using me and shattering me in return ... now i can't trust again. I need to feel there's someone around me but i can't let it happen in the way they please ... i can't be vulnerable again ... and i can't be taken advantage of again ... and i definitely won't allow myself to be abused.
A little while ago, i discovered that my beautiful subconscious was playing the most amazing trick ever to protect me from such a thing... which is that it turned me into this asshole who is just out there to take what he needs ... without giving anything meaningful in return... i would satisfy my animal instincts as much as i can ... i would satisfy the craving for the rush of trying to hook up with someone and the early nice dealings and explorations ... but i would do whatever i can to prevent it from turning into something meaningful ... into love.
Sounds pretty cool to some people i know ... but it ain't. Because this animal that i have become shares nothing with who i REALLY am. I'm supposedly a very oriental traditional person. One that wouldn't approve of such kinds of relationships, so imagine how I feel about myself being myself part of one ... erm ... a few?
stopping is much easier said than done ... there're always needs to satisfy ... urges to fulfill .. excitement to enjoy, and lots of other nice sentiments ... not love ... just sentiments. I think even if it ever got to love i wouldn't recognize it, either because of the denial i would be in or from the way i'd run away in fear of it and what it has done to me before.
So now i'm stuck. i can't return to who i was ... and i can't remain who i am ...
i'm sick of empty sex, and i'm scared of meaning
In a nuthsell, i have loved and lost ... not the person going away, but instead using me and shattering me in return ... now i can't trust again. I need to feel there's someone around me but i can't let it happen in the way they please ... i can't be vulnerable again ... and i can't be taken advantage of again ... and i definitely won't allow myself to be abused.
A little while ago, i discovered that my beautiful subconscious was playing the most amazing trick ever to protect me from such a thing... which is that it turned me into this asshole who is just out there to take what he needs ... without giving anything meaningful in return... i would satisfy my animal instincts as much as i can ... i would satisfy the craving for the rush of trying to hook up with someone and the early nice dealings and explorations ... but i would do whatever i can to prevent it from turning into something meaningful ... into love.
Sounds pretty cool to some people i know ... but it ain't. Because this animal that i have become shares nothing with who i REALLY am. I'm supposedly a very oriental traditional person. One that wouldn't approve of such kinds of relationships, so imagine how I feel about myself being myself part of one ... erm ... a few?
stopping is much easier said than done ... there're always needs to satisfy ... urges to fulfill .. excitement to enjoy, and lots of other nice sentiments ... not love ... just sentiments. I think even if it ever got to love i wouldn't recognize it, either because of the denial i would be in or from the way i'd run away in fear of it and what it has done to me before.
So now i'm stuck. i can't return to who i was ... and i can't remain who i am ...
i'm sick of empty sex, and i'm scared of meaning
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Intro
This is not me ... and this is not my mindset ... and nothing you can see or read here can be read off my face or spoken out of my mind in reality. This is the suppressed negative demon in me speaking, this is the self criticizing saint in me shouting ...
this is my empty space in the middle of the desert where i can shout out loud and swear at everything in existence and let it all out. that doesn't mean that's how i think or deal in real life so please leave me no comments stating that i'm negative and should get a life. I have one ... i scream things out here so i can deal normally out there. Simple ... clear ... and hassle free...
cheers
Emenetsh
this is my empty space in the middle of the desert where i can shout out loud and swear at everything in existence and let it all out. that doesn't mean that's how i think or deal in real life so please leave me no comments stating that i'm negative and should get a life. I have one ... i scream things out here so i can deal normally out there. Simple ... clear ... and hassle free...
cheers
Emenetsh
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