Lasso-Phobia

first admission: I hate being lonely ... i hate feeling alone ... and at the same time i can't be bound by anyone. I can't stand staying in and talking to noone ... yet at the same time, can't stand it when my phone rings too much, someone is around too much ... i always fear being tied up, finding myself involved in something with this somebody ... call it the most trivial of relationships even ... but i haven't always been like that ... and i turned into that person the hard way.

In a nuthsell, i have loved and lost ... not the person going away, but instead using me and shattering me in return ... now i can't trust again. I need to feel there's someone around me but i can't let it happen in the way they please ... i can't be vulnerable again ... and i can't be taken advantage of again ... and i definitely won't allow myself to be abused.

A little while ago, i discovered that my beautiful subconscious was playing the most amazing trick ever to protect me from such a thing... which is that it turned me into this asshole who is just out there to take what he needs ... without giving anything meaningful in return... i would satisfy my animal instincts as much as i can ... i would satisfy the craving for the rush of trying to hook up with someone and the early nice dealings and explorations ... but i would do whatever i can to prevent it from turning into something meaningful ... into love.

Sounds pretty cool to some people i know ... but it ain't. Because this animal that i have become shares nothing with who i REALLY am. I'm supposedly a very oriental traditional person. One that wouldn't approve of such kinds of relationships, so imagine how I feel about myself being myself part of one ... erm ... a few?

stopping is much easier said than done ... there're always needs to satisfy ... urges to fulfill .. excitement to enjoy, and lots of other nice sentiments ... not love ... just sentiments. I think even if it ever got to love i wouldn't recognize it, either because of the denial i would be in or from the way i'd run away in fear of it and what it has done to me before.

So now i'm stuck. i can't return to who i was ... and i can't remain who i am ...

i'm sick of empty sex, and i'm scared of meaning